Photo by Daniela Simina. Lough Gur, Ireland, 2018In this post I want to focus on me striving for cohesiveness in my personal practice and the ideas I derived from observing the Equinoxes. I shall praface this by saying that I had left my fairy focused path many years ago [1] and later, when I returned to polytheistic paganism, I started off by centering my practice on deities. But, even if I in my mind I was doing everything right, there was a sense of lack and fragmentation to my spiritual life. I wished to walk a path that felt cohesive and fulfilling instead of continuing on a Super-Mario obstacle course which was becoming more exhausting and less fun with each pasing season. Now you may wonder why on earth I didn't just make changes to create that path and quit complaining. To tell the truth, I knew something needed to change, I could tell for sure that I was missing something but I didn't know what.
In 2018, while preparing to celebrate the Vernal Equinox I found myself in a particularly pensive mode. I looked at equinoxes not so much as markers for seasonal shifts but as the epitome for balance: Day and Night sharing equally the twenty-four hours span, a time when Light and Dark stand in equilibrium like the two platters of an old-style pharmacy scale. The idea of balance somehow clung onto me.
By now, you may wonder where am I going with this, and why would this discussion be relevant for anyone other than myself. The (relatively) short answer is that if I was in such dilemma, it is likely that more people were, or still are in a similar place. If I had to put in countless hours, days, and sleepless nights to find answers, maybe reading this post would save some time and effort to someone else stuck in the same kind of a predicament. If I have been able to come up with a roadmap, albeit a sketchy one, I believe it could benefit someone else who doesn’t have any map at all. So, whether it is because of sheer curiosity, or it is because you are waddling knee-deep in some marshy spiritual grounds, you may find some useful ideas here.
As a polytheistic pagan who draws upon combined Irish, Romanian and Norse-Germanic spiritual heritages, things were complicated since the beginning. There are multiple deities and powers involved and different cultural currents. As an aside, I deliberatlely ignored the fact that long, long ago I had unwittingly commited to partnerships with fairies. The more dedicated I became to my deity-focused pratice, the more unsetling my spirituality became. Completly oblivious to the possibility that the commitments I had made as a child were a part of the problem, I expected that with the passing of time things would get better, smoother, my spirituality feel more coherent, rewarding and above all, authentic. I felt like a cat tangled in yarn. I wanted not only to find my way out of the entanglement, but also to see all those threads neatly wrapped into one single ball. I craved cohesiveness which cohesiveness would have lead to balance which in turn would then bring about all the rest.
Confident that I was doing everything correctly and in complete denial of the possibility that I could be missing something, in June 2018 I left for Ireland. My intent was to honor my gods there in their land, create a deeper connection and gain more clarity about where my Irish-focused pagan path was taking me. It was a wonderful trip during which almost nothing went as planned. What I got instead was a powerful initiatory experience that enfolded as several episodes, last of which took place at Lough Gur and Lios Gránsí (Fort of Grange), the Grange stone circle. Then and there something changed fundamentally and irreversibly. I had the feeling that I was taken to the brink of something big, yet still left without the understanding what exactly that was. For the coming month I was left to ponder. No longer self-assured over the infailibility of my own logic when applied to developing a spiritual prcatice, I found myself begging for direction.
Unexpectedly[2], I came about the Irish Pagan School[3], and learned my first two important lessons:
1. Until then, it never occurred to me that most of the authors I had consulted about Irish mythology and folk traditions were not indigenous to the culture and were taking liberties with the materials which led to major distortions of native beliefs. No wonder that my own experiences of and with the Irish deities were not matching anything in the books I had at hand. I threw away about a third of my books on bastardized Irish myth and mutilated gods, and faced the first challenge and the lesson it carried: unlearning and decolonizing my practice.
2. Things that were fixed points for a long time had to be demolished, buried, and replaced by something new. I realized thet I had spent years learning about things which turned out innnacurate or proved completely irrelevant. I bemoaned the waste of time, and let anger get the better of me more than once. Then I tackled the second challenge: don't cry over spoiled milk and stop being greedy. I began to relaize that I am capable of sniffing out made up stuff and poor scholarship not only because I was learning from good sources but also due to the exposure I had to bad ones. I realized that despite all the demolition and starting anew, I actually did not waste time as I initially thought I did. I peeled away unnecessary flourishes and focused on building a practice that was simpler and effective. One of the most difficult steps was letting go of redundancies. For example, some kind of fear of missing out had prompted me to to squeeze into the structure of a ritual as many steps as I could attempting to "integrate" as many, oftentimes diverging ideas as possible. I cut out as much as I could convince myself to.
I felt I was heading toward stability and the much coveted cohesiveness. I thought I’d settled comfortably, once and for all, on an Irish- focused pagan path and centered my practice around three deities, when my trip took a sharp left. The two deities who were involved in the initiatory experiences I had in Ireland revealed their particular relationship to fairies.[4] They hinted at changes that I’d had to make in my practice to honor them as monarchs among the Good Folk, the fairy people of Ireland. These connection to the fairy realm seemed more relevant than their status as deities. While new in this context, the practice of honoring fairies had roots running far back into my childhood years so the requests didn't feel entirely alien.
Like an answer to an unvoiced prayer, I stumbled upon Morgan Daimler's books "Fairy Witchcraft" and "Travelling the Fairy Path." Many of the fairy-related experiences described in these books closely paralleled mine. I was thrilled. When my ecstatic self calmed down, a faced the sobering, 'Now what?' Was I really supposed to come around full circle and arrive to the starting point, my childhood, the time when I was so, so close to the local fairies and to the undefinable yet so tangible Liminal Powers? Was this the path that I wanted to commit to?
With emotions running wild and adrenaline running high, I wholeheartedly agreed to work with/for them. As soon as I finished speaking, I realized that I was in fact answering the call to follow a fairy-led path which I had begged Grandma to guide me towards. I wanted to both laugh and cry, because with only a "small" delay of about twenty-five years, I arrived exactly where the nine years old me had asked to be led. On November 11, 2019 I officially dedicated myself to the fairy path following the ritual suggested by Morgan Daimler in "FairyWitchcraft".
I also looked up carefully the differences between individual fairy beings, especially the ones that I develop close relationships with. For example, Ilena Sânziana, queen of all fairies in Romanian fairy lore, is celebrated at Midsummer. Certain offerings are made to her on that date, and medicinal herbs are gathered knowing that she and her fairies, the Sânziene, would bless those herbs. An Dagda is known as the king of all fairies in Ireland[5]An Dagda is a very powerful god, good at all things, and whose cauldron of plenty will leave no one unsatisfied. His harp plays magical music and also turns the seasons. His offerings include milk and breads, but he would not turn down a glass of beer either.
As groups, Irish and Romaninan fairies are divided in their prefernece over St. John's Wort. Romanian fairies, similarly to certain groups form Scandinavian reagions, have an afinity for this herb, The Irish Fairies, acording to the local lore, are repelled by St. John'S Wort. How do I reconciliate the diferences? This is one example where personal gnosis intertwines with traditional lore to generate a solution. I make space for both fairy monarchs, An Dagda and Sânziana, honoring them separately on occasions appointed for each as well as together during the holidays where this would be appropriate. Before holding rituals or making offerings I check through omens or divination whether certain herbs such as St John's Wort are appropriate to use.
By the end of 2020 I settled into a fairy-centered practice. Gradually I became comfortable with the idea that even if I felt I reached a destination, future changes were not onlty expected but inevitable. I accepted that my fairy-centered practice, balanced as it felt at the moment, was not a composite of immutable beliefs, fairy gods and rituals agregating into some sort of monolith but an evolving system. Walking a fairy path is more like sailing down a river rather than sitting in a hot tub. This newly-found sense of flowy cohesiveness fuels both my personal and professional life which, in turn, have become more rewarding and better balanced.
This year I celebrated the Vernal Equinox both as a symbol for balance and as herald for the spring season. I celebrated that in my spiritual practice the dynamic Gods- Fairies- Liminal Powers reached a state of equilibrium that reverberates beutifully in my everyday life.
Bright fairy blessings, and thanks for reading,
Daniela Simina
[2] It happened two days after conducting a small full moon ritual in which I asked specifically for directions, and made the commitment to follow through no mater how difficult.
[3] Irish Pagan School is an online provider of education on authentic Irish tradition and culture led by teachers native to Ireland. Their school stands out through highest of standards, and levels of scholarship.
[4] In the classes “Meeting the Irish Gods”, “Gods of the Tuatha Dé Dannan”, and “The Taking of Ireland” that I took at the Irish Pagan School, I became acquainted to the idea of the Irish gods being part of the the Irish fairy people, the Aos Sí. More clarity on this subject emerged when I read "Gods and Goddesses of Ireland", "Fairies: A Guide to the Celtic Fair Folk" and "Celtic Fairies in North America" by Morgan Daimler
[5] When speaking of fairy kings and queens in Ireland, it should not make one think of strict hierarchical subordination.
Thank you for sharing this post Daniela. You are a natural teacher and always share such thorough explanations.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post Daniela. You are a natural teacher and I always appreciate your thoroughness.
ReplyDeleteGreat article, Daniela. Many blessings on your path.
ReplyDelete