You have just encountered the fairy being that is your ally, your personal guide, and you feel like a captain whose ship reached reached the harbor, the last and final one, the destination that you call home. You believe the fairy ally you just met is your forever fairy ally. Or that the fairy queen or king you just met are the forever connection to Fairy, the you’ve been seeking. Which may prompt you to excitedly officially dedicate yourself to them in a “yours, forever” kind of fashion. A couple of years later you may still be celebrating your decision. Or doubt it. Or have second thoughts about it. Or regret it altogether.
I am not writing this with the intent to dissuade anyone from pursuing strong, close, long-lasting, or forever relationships with fairy allies or honoring particularly, even exclusively, fairy queens and kings. Quite the opposite. I am writing this with the hope that readers will find the information useful in building relationships that grow organically into one’s path, however the path meanders. I don’t want to talk only about relationships’ beginning, but also about relationships in the spirit realm coming to an end, about parting ways with fairy allies and even deity whom one believes they’d serve for life. These are rarely brought up in conversation. Among the very few who address the ending/separation part, Morgan Daimler has excellent material on this topic. (“When Dedication Ends” and “Evolution of My Spirituality”- see links in Resources at the end of this post. )
Sometimes we discover that relationships are not what we expected them to be. We wish we would have not committed indefinitely to a particular fairy being. In the same time may may feel inadequate for wanting to back out, and uncertain whether this is even acceptable. We may end up end up staying for the wrong reason. Or the relationship may fracture. It worth thus pondering: are temporary relationships ok in spirit work? Is temporary ok in fairy dealings? Is temporary always temporary? Could forever become temporary, and vice versa?
Here’s my my personal perspective, and of course, there will be others who disagree. Take it for whatever it worth, and I hope you’ll find something useful in here. Relationships with fairies can have a rather transactional character. There is a balance in the energy exchanged, mutual and the expectations one side has from the other. This being said, I’ll paraphrase Cat Heath[1] and point out that, however, one shall not think of this as elf-vending machines where one puts in an offering, and a service of favor comes out . So yes, it is transactional in the sense that being a good friend and a good partner is usually reciprocated. No, it is not transactional in the sense that you could not instantly “buy”, lets say, help for a job promotion, by randomly calling fairy beings, pouring some milk, and formulate your request: this would be actually offensive.
Raised eyebrows? Let’s imagine that a person who was never properly introduced to you shows up at your door, possibly at an inconvenient time, hands you a cup of coffee that may not even be your taste, and asks you bluntly to babysit their kid in the afternoon. How would you feel? The person who showed up never took time to get to know you personally and learn that you are not even a coffee drinker. They assumed you like coffee based on a rather general preference. The person heard from a common acquaintance that you work in education, assumed you are good at dealing with young children, and thus a good fit for what they need. Notice, there is no concern whatsoever with what you like/care about, and who you really are aside from potential provider of a service they need and want. In other words, there is no concern with forming a relationship that is mutually beneficial. If turned down abruptly, the person who brought you coffee in exchange for anticipated babysitting would get offended. You may end up with rumors spread about your selfishness and rudeness: you shut the door in the face of the “nice” person who brought you coffee, right? At least this would be the version of the story circulating. Now transfer this scenario to requests made to fairy beings- whatever their culture of provenance. (To learn more about the role of offerings in establishing relationships among fairies, read “Offerings to gods and Spirits” by Morgan Daimler, and “Offerings for Fairies: What’s this, what’s not, and why bother?”, by Daniela Simina, linked in the Resources)
Generally, appropriateness or inappropriateness of asking for assistance form fairies, elves, or whoever else you chose to think of, is determined by the type of relationship you have with them. In turn, such relationships could be defined by contracts and agreements of various types. Contracts, and agreements made upfront, help minimize potential problems arising from the expectations – what, how, when- one has from another.
Contracts and agreements with fairy beings are exactly what they sound like: these are forms of settling partnerships in which terms are spelled out clearly. I emphasize clearly. Paraphrasing Morgan Daimler, I will remind that fairies don’t lie and they take what is said at face value, so don’t be sarcastic because it will backfire eventually. Fairy culture is different form humans’, and this reflects in a number of things including, or especially in, verbal communication. Bottom line, listen carefully, speak carefully, and think carefully before you act. Contracts with fairies are very difficult to renegotiate.
When fairy beings seek you out but you don’t feel ready for the undertaking, negotiate for a temporary contract or agreement. This will set up the tone of a relationship that allows time for exploration and getting to know one another better. Then extend the contract if it feels right, or part ways if it doesn’t. Whatever you do, just do it in fairness – their interests count as much as your own- and as nicely as possible.
If you want to jump into a relationship of your initiative and volition, you could also begin by calling for a temporary agreement. It will give you time to assess whether the relationship is what you imagined it would be and wanted, or not. This is no different than relationships among humans, ranging from business to personal. To get a job, there’ll be interviews and possibly all kind of tests and examinations. People date for some time before getting engaged, and usually get engaged before getting married. So take time to explore how fairy partnerships feel and work for you.
After extending or renewing an agreement, maybe a couple of times, maybe more, you may decide that yep, it is definitely what you want. Then you may even choose to formally dedicate your services, by ritually marking your commitment to a specific fairy, Fairy Power or fairy-related endeavor. (See posts “Midsummer in Transition”, “Evolution of My Spirituality” by M. Daimler, and “On Liminal Powers or Fairy Gods” , “A Fairy Path” by D. Simina, all linked in Resources),
However, for as much as possible, in making agreements avoid using word like “forever in your service” at which point contracts with fairy denizens turn from temporary into very permanent. Considering that they live unfathomable long lives, it would be possible to sign yourself off to them for several lifetimes: permanently, right? Think this over before proceeding, and make sure the wording is as clear as possible. Go for plain rather than flowery formulations: literary sophistication at the expense of clarity may not be such a good idea.
My own experience.
If you read “A Fairy Path”, the very short story linked in Resources, you’ll get the broad strokes of how I ended up initiated in fairy seership. If you’ll actually read the book “A Fairy Path: The Memoir of a Young Fairy Seer in Training” (also linked in Resources), you will get the full story including all the details about getting into relationships with fairies, breaking a number of rules because of ignorance or stubbornness, and getting into trouble because of it. In a nutshell, a case study for a lot of what is being discussed in this post.
To summarize, I once rushed head-first into a relationship with fairies, pledged myself to them, and asked them to take me as a forever partner in their magic workings. And they actually took me seriously on my promise. Because I was only about nine when I threw myself into the deep end, it didn’t take long for me to mess up in a pretty big way. The consequences were dire, and knowing what I know now, I realize that it could have ended even worse. In retrospect, I believe the fairies[2] made some allowance because of my age. Lesson learned: never write rain checks, and always mind fairy etiquette.
But relationships with fairies, deities, and other kind of spirit guides don’t usually end in tumultuous ways, nor involve punitive action. Sometimes it is like parting ways with companions we had been traveling with for a long time, or separating from teachers when a course of learning has reached conclusion. Such is my experience with Brigit, the Irish goddess, prominent member of the Tuatha Dé Danann (See “Fairies, February, and Brigit”, linked in the Resources) This is my third and last year as a Flame Keeper for Brigit. I was first acquainted with her in the context of practicing Irish-focused paganism when I was trying hard to find my path. Brigit lit up the lantern and held it up for me to see not just one but a multitude of paths, and directly and indirectly helped me discern where do I go. First she unlocked my words which ever since, have become wings for my thoughts and feelings, and purveyors of magic, too. She taught me a thing or two about about the forge and the art of smiths, so I’d know about transformation, skill, and endurance. She asked me to never shrink my dreams to fit other people’s reality. One day, Brigit had me pack my bag while she watched that I won’t forget anything, and sent me out into the world to follow the path I chose. Truth being said, I didn’t actually chose the path: it chose me. The call reached through years – many – and it could no longer be ignored. When I hesitated, Brigit encouraged me to pursue. Mine is a fairy path, and Brigit saw that it would be her dad, – isn’t he the king of all fairies in Ireland? - to guide me further. 2022 is thus my last year of service as Flame Keeper for Brigit since the fairy path claimed me one hundred percent. While officially parting ways, there is yet a ‘forever’ element forged into our temporary joined walk through the woods called Life.
Many of the relationships that we form in the Otherworld - same with relationships that we form in this world - may come to an end or morph into something else. We may realize it was not the right choice. Some may simply outrun their course. On such departures, there may be feelings of guilt and inadequacy creeping in and make us wonder about where did things go wrong and why. If we’d only remain aware of and accept the fact that temporary relationships are intrinsic and natural to any spiritual path, we’d save ourselves from much disappointment, self-doubt, and self-criticism creeping in. Temporary doesn’t show lack of commitment; it shows that we take things seriously and think things in the long run, or that at least, we try to. Temporary can lead to forever while forever may turn out to be temporary, and there’s nothing wrong in any of these.
I hope what’s being said so far paints a fairly good picture of temporary, forever, contractual, and accidental spirit relationships, possible endings, and safe ways to start. I would suggest checking “Witches& Elves: A Survival Guide”, Cat Heath, “Working with Fairies”, Morgan Daimler, and “Fairycrafting: The Art of Fairy Magic”, Daniela Simina, all linked in the “Resources” section at the end, because when engaging with fairies one can never know too much.
[1] For more details check out “Elves& Witches: A Survival Guide”, info linked in the Resources.
[2] Zâne, specifically.
Resources:
Books
Daimler, Morgan “Fairy Witchcraft”, 2014
Simina, Daniela “A Fairy Path: The Memoir of a Young Fairy Seer in Training”, upcoming, 2023.
Blogs, Articles, Papers
Daimler, Morgan, “When Dedication Ends” https://lairbhan.blogspot.com/2018/03/when-dedication-ends.html
Daimler, Morgan “Evolution of My Spirituality” https://lairbhan.blogspot.com/search?q=parting+ways+with+gods
Daimler, Morgan “Midsummer in Transition”, https://lairbhan.blogspot.com/2012/06/midsummer-in-transition.html
Daimler, Morgan “Offerings to Gods and Spirits” https://lairbhan.blogspot.com/search?q=Offerings
Simina, Daniela “Offerings for Fairies: What’s this, what’s not, and why bother?” https://whispersinthetwilight.blogspot.com/2022/03/offerings-for-fairies-whats-this-whats.html
Simina, Daniela “On Liminal Powers or Fairy Gods” https://whispersinthetwilight.blogspot.com/2022/10/on-liminal-powers-or-fairy-gods.html
Simina, Daniela, “A Fairy Path” https://www.academia.edu/70184317/A_Fairy_Path_Jan_2022
Simina Daniela “Ritual for the Autumn Equinox and the Acronychal Rising of Pleiades” https://whispersinthetwilight.blogspot.com/2022/09/a-ritual-for-autumn-equinox-opening.html
Simina, Daniela “Fairies, February, and Brigit” https://whispersinthetwilight.blogspot.com/search?q=Brigit
Classes
Daimler, Morgan “Working with Fairies”, course offered every autumn at the Irish Pagan School https://irishpaganschool.com/courses/author/244072
Heath, Cat, “Witches& Elves: A Survival Guide”, for access to the class recordings, contact Cat Heath at seo.helrune@gmail.com
Simina, Daniela “Fairycrafting: The Art of Fairy Magic”, course; details and registration at https://www.solstice.love/product/11-19-fairycrafting-the-art-of-fairy-magic-with-daniela-simina/5243?cp=true&sa=false&sbp=false&q=false&category_id=2
